If You’d Asked Me. . .
I’d Have Told You

The ultimate collection of bathroom or waiting room reading, this book is a work in progress. A new chapter appears at our “News & Chat” blog every three weeks, usually by Friday. You can get a complete copy, right now, in PDF format, or, if you like, as a paperback. For details, visit our Books page or send a request through our Contact form.

Table of Contents

I. God Is Great, Beer Is Good, and People Are Crazy

• What’s the weirdest thing a guest has done at your house?
• How can I seem less arrogant to people who are less intelligent?
• What is the most badass comeback you’ve ever heard?
• Who personally loses when you rob a bank?
• I volunteer at a hospital. None of the doctors have high-end cars. Why?
  • [The first five squibs appear in one post]
• Why are people so rude to cigarette smokers?
• Why do people back up into parking spaces?
• Can my wife legally keep my parents from visiting our home due to simply disliking them?
• What is my legal exposure (and methods for mitigating it). . . if my wife’s dog attacks and injures someone?
• My fiancé says it’s not cruel to kick one’s child out of the house on their eighteenth birthday…
• If you could say one sentence to President Trump, what would you say?
• If you could limit President Trump to four words tomorrow, what four words would you have him say?
  • [Two Trumps in one post!]
• If a stranger insists on following and touching your dog even though you clearly say “No” and try to leave, . . .
• My 11-year-old daughter is getting stares when we go out in public. What should I do?
• My son is a four-year-old leftie. My parents so much want him to use his right hand that they are resorting to threats. What do you think?
• If you had a 16-year-old daughter, and accidentally knocked over her pocketbook . . .
• Should I report to the police that my boyfriend killed my dog?
• What should I do if someone follows me home while I’m walking my dog?
• My uncle has severe chronic vertigo, and the doctors don’t know what’s causing it
• My coworker administers his insulin injections at his desk or at the lunch table in front of everyone. Is it appropriate?
• What is the treatment for when your lip gets swollen?
• Why doesn’t anybody coming to the “emergency room” seem to understand that an emergency means urgent?
• How did babies survive when there were no vaccines a long time ago?
• Was I wrong to not give a five-year-old guest child the food that she wanted?
• A plagiarist and proud of it!.
• Why are you a feminist?
• Why is it illegal to not wear your seatbelt?
• Why is there no combined abbreviation for Mr. & Mrs.?
• The Dark Side of Living in Phoenix

II. Going to the Dogs (or Cats)

• Should I get a girlfriend or a dog?
• Has your pet saved you from a perilous situation?
• Who do you agree with: Cesar Millan’s way with dogs or those critical of it?
• What are Doberman Pinschers like to own?
• What is your favorite breed of dog?
• Why do cats like to lie down on a dog’s bed?
• Why do dogs dislike some people for no apparent reason? Scheduled 1/1/2019
• How prevalent are injuries from toy dogs?
• Is it ok to throw a snowball at my dog?
• What do you think about breeding dogs to be better for things like being guide dogs?
• If I absolutely cannot afford my beloved dog’s very expensive operation, what should I do?
• Stray cat tried biting me today . . .
• How can I keep my dog healthy and happy without ever walking him again?
• Are German Shepherd puppies easy to take care of? How much do they cost?
• How much should a high quality German Shepherd puppy cost?
• Just how much do Pembroke Corgis tend to bark even if well trained, challenged and exercised?
• Will getting a dog keep the stray cats out of my yard?
• How do I rid cats from roaming my yard and pooping in my yard?
• Scientifically speaking, what do dogs recognise kittens and cats as?
• Why does my dog sit on me?
• Is it rare for a five-month-old German Shepherd to comply with a sit-and-stay command?
• What is the rsight thing to do if your dog damages someone’s property while visiting in their home?
• How can a pet owner protect animals during natural disasters?
• Is it normal for a dog to bark at nothing every time it gets let outside?
• Why do a lot of people prefer cats over dogs?
• Are German Shepherd dogs the best dogs for security forces?
• If domestic home cats were as big as large dogs . . .
• Are male dogs more protective than females?
• Can dogs take Benadryl for allergies?
• Why do they use German Shepherds as police dogs?
• How do I prevent a dog from attacking my dog?
• Why do people let their dogs and cats up on their bed?
• When is it safe for your children to own pets?
• What goes through a dog’s mind during a stare down between its owner?
• Can a horse kick kill you?
• Why do small dogs bark?
• Is it possible to outrun a German Shepherd dog?
• What would be the reason not to give away my two-month-old Labrador puppy?
• What causes worms in your puppy’s stool?
• Which is a better option to defend your home and family from intruders: A gun or a dog?

III. Life in the Salt Mines

• What was the most legendary “I quit!” that you know about or witnessed?
• What’s the shadiest tactic you’ve witnessed HR use at your job?
• Is getting into the FBI hard?
• What is the most ridiculous reason for which you have been fired?
• I’m tired of my current programming job. What blue collar job can do I that will pay as much as I get now?
• I want to get fired, how do I go about it?
• How can I get marketing and customer service help for a new small business?
• Who are the real “job creators”?
• Is there a good future for girls pursuing hotel management? Does it earn well?
• What is the future of careers in computer engineering?
• Should I quit my job where my boss is a bully and disrespectful?
• How can I stop my boss from repeatedly asking me out?
• Have you ever “fired” a doctor? How did you go about leaving your doctor and finding another one?
• In US movies, people get fired on the spot and have to pack their belongings and go home and never come back.

VI. Life in the Ivory Tower (and Waypoints)

• As a teacher, have you ever had an unforgettable student? What was he or she like?
• What are some of the most funny instances of plagiarism?
• How can I prove I didn’t plagiarize?
• What is the dark side of the PhD?
• What are some parts of a teacher’s job that students don’t know about?
• How do teachers identify smart students outside of grades?
• How can I apply for a PhD in the US without money?
• What are some ways to get a teaching position without a degree but with subject mastery of and ability to teach?
• Why do teachers complain about their pay so much?
• How many PhD students felt like quitting part way through but carried on against the odds?
• I had to work two jobs and I’ve failed a couple of classes due to attendance. Is there still a chance for me to work on my math career?
• How do I order custom writing essays, term paper and research papers?
• What would happen if programming were taught in middle school and high school?

V. Writing

• Where can I write articles online for free without pay?
• Why do some published works, especially novels, emphasize the authors’ names more than their titles on their covers?
• Should I write my Morning Pages in one language only?
• What is informal writing? What are its functions?
• If I’ve copied a minor plot element from another person’s story, but altered it slightly, is that still considered stealing?
• As a PHD student, I deal with procrastination on daily basis. Those who have overcome it: how did you do it?
• What are interesting topics to write about on a personal blog?
• What are the five top writing clichés of all time?
• Can I write a novel based on more descriptions and fewer conversations between my characters?
• Is it okay to use creative writing in a research paper?
• Can I pay someone to write my book for me?
• What are the main aspects of script writing?
• How do you write a diary?
• How do you become a guest contributor on popular sites?
• Is a journalism major the most logical for an aspiring journalist?