If You’d Asked Me. . . *FREE READ*

If You’d Asked Me. . .
I’d Have Told You

The ultimate collection of bathroom or waiting room reading, this book is a work in progress. A new chapter appears at our “News & Chat” blog every three weeks, usually by Friday. You can get a complete copy, right now, in PDF format, or, if you like, as a paperback. For details, visit our Books page or send a request through our Contact form.

Table of Contents

I. God Is Great, Beer Is Good, and People Are Crazy

  • What’s the weirdest thing a guest has done at your house?
  • How can I seem less arrogant to people who are less intelligent?
  • What is the most badass comeback you’ve ever heard?
  • Who personally loses when you rob a bank?
  • Why are people so rude to cigarette smokers?
  • Can my wife legally keep my parents from visiting our home due to simply disliking them?.
  • What is my legal exposure (and methods for mitigating it). . . if my wife’s dog attacks and injures someone?
  • My fiancé says it’s not cruel to kick one’s child out of the house on their eighteenth birthday…
  • If you could say one sentence to President Trump, what would you say?
  • If you could limit President Trump to four words tomorrow, what four words would you have him say?
  • If a stranger insists on following and touching your dog even though you clearly say “No” and try to leave, . . .
  • My 11-year-old daughter is getting stares when we go out in public. What should I do?
  • My son is a four-year-old leftie. My parents so much want him to use his right hand that they are resorting to threats. What do you think?
  • If you had a 16-year-old daughter, and accidentally knocked over her pocketbook . . .
  • Should I report to the police that my boyfriend killed my dog?
  • What should I do if someone follows me home while I’m walking my dog?
  • My uncle has severe chronic vertigo, and the doctors don’t know what’s causing it. Does anyone have any ideas?
  • My coworker administers his insulin injections at his desk or at the lunch table in front of everyone. Is it appropriate?
  • What is the treatment for when your lip gets swollen?
  • Why do people back up into parking spaces?
  • What is the greatest geopolitical threat to the world economic order today?
  • Why doesn’t anybody coming to the “emergency room” seem to understand that an emergency means urgent?
  • How did babies survive when there were no vaccines a long time ago?
  • Was I wrong to not give a five-year-old guest child the food that she wanted?
  • I was accused of plagiarism for an original work I wrote.
  • Why are you a feminist?
  • Why is it illegal to not wear your seatbelt?
  • Why is there no combined abbreviation for Mr. & Mrs.?

II. Going to the Dogs (or Cats)

  • Should I get a girlfriend or a dog?
  • Has your pet saved you from a perilous situation?
  • Who do you agree with: Cesar Millan’s way with dogs or those critical of it?
  • What are Doberman Pinschers like to own?
  • What is your favorite breed of dog?
  • Why do cats like to lie down on a dog’s bed?
  • Why do dogs dislike some people for no apparent reason?
  • How prevalent are injuries from toy dogs?
  • Is it ok to throw a snowball at my dog?
  • What do you think about breeding dogs to be better for things like being guide dogs?
  • If I absolutely cannot afford my beloved dog’s very expensive operation, what should I do?
  • Stray cat tried biting me today . . .
  • How can I keep my dog healthy and happy without ever walking him again?
  • Are German Shepherd puppies easy to take care of? How much do they cost?
  • How much should a high quality German Shepherd puppy cost?
  • Just how much do Pembroke Corgis tend to bark even if well trained, challenged and exercised?
  • Will getting a dog keep the stray cats out of my yard?
  • How do I rid cats from roaming my yard and pooping in my yard?
  • Scientifically speaking, what do dogs recognise kittens and cats as?
  • Why does my dog sit on me?
  • Is it rare for a five-month-old German Shepherd to comply with a sit-and-stay command?
  • What is the rsight thing to do if your dog damages someone’s property while visiting in their home?
  • How can a pet owner protect animals during natural disasters?
  • Is it normal for a dog to bark at nothing every time it gets let outside?
  • Why do a lot of people prefer cats over dogs?
  • Are German Shepherd dogs the best dogs for security forces?
  • If domestic home cats were as big as large dogs . . .
  • Are male dogs more protective than females?
  • Can dogs take Benadryl for allergies?
  • Why do they use German Shepherds as police dogs?
  • How do I prevent a dog from attacking my dog?
  • Why do people let their dogs and cats up on their bed?
  • When is it safe for your children to own pets?
  • What goes through a dog’s mind during a stare down between its owner?
  • Can a horse kick kill you?
  • Why do small dogs bark?
  • Is it possible to outrun a German Shepherd dog?
  • What would be the reason not to give away my two-month-old Labrador puppy?
  • What causes worms in your puppy’s stool?
  • Which is a better option to defend your home and family from intruders: A gun or a dog?

III. Life in the Salt Mines

  • What was the most legendary “I quit!” that you know about or witnessed?
  • What’s the shadiest tactic you’ve witnessed HR use at your job?
  • Is getting into the FBI hard?
  • What is the most ridiculous reason for which you have been fired?
  • I’m tired of my current programming job. What blue collar job can do I that will pay as much as I get now?
  • I want to get fired, how do I go about it?
  • How can I get marketing and customer service help for a new small business?
  • Who are the real “job creators”?
  • Is there a good future for girls pursuing hotel management? Does it earn well?
  • What is the future of careers in computer engineering?
  • Should I quit my job where my boss is a bully and disrespectful?
  • How can I stop my boss from repeatedly asking me out?
  • Have you ever “fired” a doctor? How did you go about leaving your doctor and finding another one?
  • In US movies, people get fired on the spot and have to pack their belongings and go home and never come back.

VI. Life in the Ivory Tower (and Waypoints)

  • As a teacher, have you ever had an unforgettable student? What was he or she like?
  • What are some of the most funny instances of plagiarism?
  • How can I prove I didn’t plagiarize?
  • What is the dark side of the PhD?
  • What are some parts of a teacher’s job that students don’t know about?
  • How do teachers identify smart students outside of grades?
  • How can I apply for a PhD in the US without money?
  • What are some ways to get a teaching position without a degree but with subject mastery of and ability to teach?
  • Why do teachers complain about their pay so much?
  • How many PhD students felt like quitting part way through but carried on against the odds?
  • I had to work two jobs and I’ve failed a couple of classes due to attendance. Is there still a chance for me to work on my math career?
  • How do I order custom writing essays, term paper and research papers?
  • What would happen if programming were taught in middle school and high school?

V. Writing

  • Where can I write articles online for free without pay?
  • Why do some published works, especially novels, emphasize the authors’ names more than their titles on their covers?
  • Should I write my Morning Pages in one language only?
  • What is informal writing? What are its functions?
  • If I’ve copied a minor plot element from another person’s story, but altered it slightly, is that still considered stealing?
  • As a PHD student, I deal with procrastination on daily basis. Those who have overcome it: how did you do it?
  • What are interesting topics to write about on a personal blog?
  • What are the five top writing clichés of all time?
  • Can I write a novel based on more descriptions and fewer conversations between my characters?
  • Is it okay to use creative writing in a research paper?
  • Can I pay someone to write my book for me?
  • What are the main aspects of script writing?
  • How do you write a diary?
  • How do you become a guest contributor on popular sites?
  • Is a journalism major the most logical for an aspiring journalist?